Love Dissected: What To Avoid Doing or Saying During Conflict
My favorite stage of dating someone new is the honeymoon phase. I love meeting people for the first time, having easy going conversations, laughing, getting to know them (and best of all, “letting them” pay for all the dates). I’ve known for a while though, that if I hope to get married and spend the rest of my life with one person (which will eventually be the goal), the fairytale-portion of the relationship has to come to an end. Not all of it completely, but I know what comes after the honeymoon phase--arguments, disagreements, and seeing my partner in their true colors, as their less-perfect and humanly-self.
Now, if you’re lucky enough, you might find a partner that’s agreeable with you, or “speaks your language,” meaning they easily understand your perspective and can resolve conflict easily. In my experience though, I’ve struggled with enough of the common fights in my own relationship--jealousy, fears of drifting apart, conflicting views on family, values, responsibilities, the future… I know that, for me, it’s not realistic to date someone and always get along with them.
So how have I been able to get past the conflicts and make things between me and a significant other work? Honestly, I owe it all to my high school psych teacher for introducing us to the Gottman Institute. This is a resource for love, relationships, and communication tips. Dr. John Gottman researched what behaviors make couples more likely to last in a relationship, versus what behaviors make couples more likely to separate. Since beginning his studies in the 80’s with the “Love Lab” (a room to dissect couple interaction), Gottman has expanded his research into classes, question-card decks, blog posts on relationships and communication, and even parenting education.
While his team has put together plenty of info for you, I personally wanted to break down his theories on certain behaviors people use that hinder communication between two people. Recognizing these are harmful practices can help you (or your loved one) notice harmful communication. Once you both can do that, you can work toward communicating better with each other, by avoiding these four mistakes.
Criticism
To criticize your partner is to call them out on where they fall short in your life; to blame them, to disapprove of them. An example of this would be if I told my partner he was selfish and annoyed me because he spent the whole day with his mom instead of calling or texting me back. Unfortunately, he likely won’t hear what I’m actually trying to say--which is that I missed him that day. Instead, what he hears is that he’s selfish, and he’ll probably take the focus of our conversation to that part of my argument. He’s offended, because I made a comment about him as a person, rather than making a comment about him in this single instance.
Instead, what I should say is that I was sad or disappointed that I didn’t get to hear much from him. Using an “I” statement takes the focus off of how they hurt me, and re-focuses on the problem, which is that I’m not feeling good. It tells him he’s not the direct source of my disappointment, but because I’m sharing my vulnerability with him, he’ll still likely want to support me, and we can then move forward into a conversation about how he can best do that for me from now on.
Contempt
Contempt is showing “true hatred” and disrespect to your partner. Examples would be mocking them and the way they speak or act, being sarcastic towards their needs, or even unnecessarily swearing at them to try and make your point loud and clear (as you can guess, doing this in conjunction with a critique could probably lead to chaos). Of course, play-fighting and comical sarcasm may be part of you and your partner’s relationship. However, if I had made this comment towards my boyfriend when he was debating whether to move out by himself or not…
“Oh my god… will you stop talking about it and just do it already? You’re not getting any younger, you’ll literally be fine living alone. I’m tired of listening to you whine about it.”
Yeah, we definitely would not have been together after that.
Similar to criticism, it can be easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and say things just to end the conversation or make a point. However, my partner has feelings and emotions and I have to recognize they take what I say to heart.
So, if you ever find yourself in this situation, take a breather. Ask if you can have a break from the conversation, and remember to go back to the “I” statements to explain how you feel.
Instead of asking my partner to make a decision in that very moment, I’d probably tell him “Hey, it’s okay if you can’t decide yet. I kind of need a mental break from all of this though, is it okay if we talk about something else?”
Defensiveness
When my partner makes an accusation towards me, I don’t always take the accusation with grace. It doesn’t help if it’s a criticizing or contemptful thought, either.
Let’s say my partner said he’d be a couple hours late for our date. A defensive response to that would be, “If you didn’t want to see me at all today, you might as well just not come pick me up at all.”
People respond in defensive ways because they may feel their ego’s are hurt, or to further preserve us from more “humiliation,” or to just avoid the pain of the criticizing/contemptful comment. Instead, what it really does is dismiss the point our partner is trying to make.
Even if it’s hurtful, try to listen to what they’re really saying, because it’s likely more about them or their needs not being fulfilled, rather than being about you, or purposefully not fulfilling your needs. There’s a fine balance between allowing your partner to say everything they need to about the predicament you are both in, but also, don’t let them get away with utilizing either of the previous “don’t-do’s” either.
Rather than taking offense to my partner asking to come see me a couple hours later, I should really ask if they’re doing okay and (so I can non-invasively ask WHY he’s not coming to see me), and then later be supportive of my partner when/if there’s a reason. If he chooses to keep his reasons to himself or moves into criticizing/contemptful territory, that is up to me to call him out on it, ask him to rephrase comments, and move forward together.
By letting our pride go and letting ourselves be vulnerable to the needs or complaints of our partner, they’ll feel more heard, understood, and together we can talk with a more positive attitude.
Stone-walling
This final don’t-do is one I thought I would be least likely to do in conflict. When I argue with my parents, at times, I can admit, I can be very hateful and say mean things. However, when my partner and I argue, I end up stone-walling him. It’s gotten better over time, but I never thought it would be hard to speak up for myself in disagreement with my partner.
Let’s backtrack a bit -- say we consider that conflict stimulates the stress response in the body (“fight or flight”). If the first three don’t-do’s I’ve listed are “fight,” this last dont-do is “flight.” I don't literally run away, but my body’s visceral reaction is to shut down. If, for example, he were to suggest that we stop dating and start seeing other people, my mind would likely go blank with what to say, even though I know I should be yelling at him for even suggesting such a thing.
There are probably a few reasons why people stone-wall, but from my experience, I have a fear of saying the wrong thing that would make him truly break off the relationship, or make him angry enough to get up and leave. To him though, when I’m not responding, he thinks I’m not paying attention to what he’s saying, or have any interest in the high-stake conversation we’re having.
Easier said than done, but honesty and getting out what you need to say can produce more effective results than you two sitting in silence. Your true feelings should trump your worries about saying the wrong thing, because your vulnerability will show when you’re with the right person, and if they’re a good and trustworthy person with you, they’ll understand why you feel a certain way or are scared of what you’re about to say. Responding back honestly tells your partner that you hear them, and that at some level, you’re willing to work through whatever conflict it is, rather than them feeling like you’ve backed away from the conversation because they think it’s not worth it to you to fight for them.
If you or your partner are simply just nervous people when it comes to conflict, things I’ve done in the past to get through tough conversations include…
Looking away from my partner when I’m trying to say something really difficult
Playing with a piece of clothing or doodling while you’re talking to distract yourself from the pressure of the conversation
Prefacing your conversation with telling them that you’re honestly nervous and/or what you hope to get out of the conversation (ie. that you care about them, that you want to work things out, that you hope together you both come out of this a closer pair)
We’re allowed to acknowledge our fears, but letting them consume us should not be normalized, nor is it a healthy relationship habit for tough conversations to be one-sided. Finding a way to “fight kindly” with one another is another way of showing you care about the other person and want things to work out.
I don’t know a pair of people in my personal life who are super close and have never fought before. And long-lasting relationships don’t always consist of two people who never fight, but rather the partners that do know how to communicate with each other. Figuring out how to fight with your partner isn’t always the easiest thing, but making it important that both of you are able to have tough conversations with each other can release a lot of tension, and make the both of you feel closer and gain trust, building your relationships to last you a long time.
Header Photo: Alex Green/Pexels
