Why you’re dating the same type of person… again
Written by Jailynn Taylor
Are you haunted by the spirit of your ex? Break the curse.
Many of us have a type when it comes to dating, and initially it’s based on appearance. Maybe you prefer someone taller and built, or people with dark hair and light eyes. But even those who don’t date solely based on appearance may start to wonder why all the people they date seem to share similar traits.
The University of Toronto studied people’s dating habits and ultimately found that we are prone to dating the same type of people repeatedly, even if we say we are going to try and pursue someone different. It seems like a cycle that never ends.
“When you’re operating within old, familiar patterns, you don’t need to think about what you’re doing. Your body is wired to do familiar things without having to think about them. This leaves your mind free to wander and to de-stress,” said social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato in an article for Psychology Today.
Picking personality traits
We usually go for partners with the same characteristics (exes included), making it seem like we keep repeatedly dating the same person. It’s because these are traits that we have grown comfortable with, and may even look for in our platonic relationships.
You may tell yourself that from now on, you’ll stop seeking out relationships with potential partners that don’t put in enough effort or are argumentative. However, the positive attributes you look for may hold these characteristics unknowingly.
For example, when you choose to date an ambitious person, they may prioritize work over their relationships, leaving you feeling underappreciated. Or if you date someone confident in themselves, they may be hard to sway on decisions, making every choice going forward feel like a debate.
While you may have only been looking at the positive side of these traits, some negatives come with them as well. This choice can be subconscious, making it seem like you are choosing someone new when you are falling for the same traits, the good and the bad.
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Environmental factors
Another possible reason why all the people you go for act the same is because of where you are finding them.
If you usually date at social gatherings or parties, you may initially see that person in a positive light if they’re good at moving a room or making great conversation. Then down the line, you realize they’re a huge flirt.
Initially, you saw it as charismatic, but in many cases, when dating at parties, those partners enjoy the attention of many options which can lead to questions of loyalty and intentions.
Or, suppose you date people in close proximity to you, such as those from your place of work, your classes at school or even your gym. Off the bat, you know that you both share the same interests, so you may naturally feel more comfortable with them. The issue here is if things don’t work out, that's a class you have to drop, a job you want to quit or a gym you no longer wish to go to.
Environments attract specific types of people. From the gyms you frequent to the music festivals you choose to go to, using those spaces as your dating pool can put you in what feels like a never-ending cycle of the same person.
It may provide you comfort to date in this way because the space and people are familiar, but the outcome always seems the same.
Are you really over your ex?
You may also want to look internally and see if the reason you are rebounding to people similar to your ex (knowingly or unknowingly) is because of unresolved emotional baggage. Are you actually over them?
Subconsciously, if you aren’t entirely over your ex, you may search for bits and pieces of them in other people.
You may find yourself looking for an emotionally unavailable artist or someone with a big laugh that fills a room. You aren’t enjoying these people for having these attributes but for the familiar comfort that they provide.
In the end, you won’t be fully satisfied with them because they won’t provide you the total package that your ex gave you. You have to give yourself time to heal to be able to move on and genuinely find better.
Many factors come to play when it comes to dating people that all feel the same. If you genuinely want to step outside of your comfort zone to date someone different, you have to shake things up. You have to mingle in places you don’t usually go to. You have to talk to people whom you wouldn’t usually talk to.
You can’t expect different results when you are playing with the same variables. Only then will you be able to break the curse of the haunting ex.
Header photo by (Alena Darmel / Pexels)
