Are Your Dating "Preferences" Racist?
Photo: Credits
“I only date ___”, or “I’d never date ___.”
We’ve all heard it, maybe even said it. Popular dating apps such as Hinge and OkCupid offer ethnicity filters, allowing users to sift through potential partners based on their preferences.
But what’s the difference between a preference and flat out racism?
It’s important to keep in mind that preferences are often based on fetishism or racism.
Racial fetishism is when an individual projects a certain temperament, set of personality traits, attributes, and/or behaviors across an entire racial or ethnic group, failing to see them as complex, nuanced human beings.
Racial fetishism is racism, period. Reducing people down to a fantasy or broad stereotypes based on their race or ethnicity is racist.
When talking about dating preferences, colorism is another widespread issue. The historical defeminization and dehumanization of dark skin has contributed to so-called ‘preferences’ for partners with light skin tones, while the association of light skin with femininity and desirability adheres to harmful and typically colonialist beauty standards.
What does fetishism look like on dating apps?
A 2014 study in Psychology of Popular Media Culture found that white users primarily messaged other white users, with only 3% of their messages going to black users. In contrast, black users were 10x more likely to message a white person, and black women and Asian men were the demographics least swiped on.
This data shows a clear disparity between which groups are considered widely desirable, as well as how intersections of gender and ethnicity affect which people most often get swiped past.
But what about fetishism? Microaggressions disguised as compliments, different from the flat-out racism we might be better at spotting and criticizing, are more common on dating apps than ever. Fetishism capitalizes off this idea of “positive bias,” framing someone’s race, body size, gender or another attribute as something to be actively sought after.
Comments such as, “looking for a Latina to spice up my love life,” or “is it true once you go Black you never go back?” capture how while some might view their preferences as flattering, in reality all they do is reduce a person down to a small set of characteristics, ignoring their complexity and humanity.
Not all preferences are necessarily harmful, however.
There is a difference between fetishism/racism/colorism and preference. Dating preferences are okay to have, and are often based on where you grew up, proximity/familiarity, cultural understanding, common beliefs, etc.
Preference can be particularly relevant to people of color, who are entitled to seek partners that will be more likely to appreciate, understand and see them in their entirety, especially in a social environment where they are actively marginalized.
But let’s make this clear--any ‘preference’ that permanently eliminates certain identities or groups of people is problematic.
Preference is not: Going out of your way to not date a certain group of people. Preference is not ‘anti’ anything.
Being against dating certain groups of people reveals underlying prejudice. If you catch you or your friends expressing opinions like this, think more deeply about the implications of it.
Why am I saying I would never date this type of person? Why do I say I only date this type of person? Having restrictive ‘preferences’ can stop you from meeting a potential partner that could be really great for you.
Written by Lisa Kwan
