A Crash Course in the 5 Love Languages
Everyone gives and wants to receive love differently. These predispositions are affected by many possible factors--how we were shown love as children, our cultural upbringing, personal value systems, etc. Love languages can be a useful framework to talk more openly about our emotional needs, and not just in romantic relationships. Learning the love languages of people we care about can help realize mutual understanding and allow everyone involved to express their love in the ways it will be best appreciated and understood.
The Five Languages
The five main love languages were defined by Dr. Gary Chapman, an American author, radio talk show host and pastor who studied anthropology and theology in his higher education. They include words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch and receiving gifts. Everyone tends to have a primary love language, which they prefer above the others, as well as secondary or tertiary ones.
Words of Affirmation - Verbal acknowledgements of affection including words of appreciation, verbal encouragement, compliments, etc. This sometimes includes digital communication! Frequent texting or social media engagement may be in order.
Acts of Service - The “action speaks louder than words” kind of mentality. It can mean valuing when someone goes out of their way to make your life easier, such as making you soup when you’re sick, running an important errand when you’re stressed or busy, etc.
Quality Time - Centers around togetherness and undivided attention. This means being an engaged listener or participant, and focusing your energy solely on being with the other person for a while. Put your phone away for a little while; your notifications can wait.
Physical Touch - For those who find physical touch and intimacy the most affirming and reassuring expression of love. While sex can definitely be an important part of a relationship, physical touch as a love language is much more than that. A hug, shoulder squeeze or even sitting in close proximity to someone can be just as meaningful.
Receiving Gifts - These are visual symbols of love, that don’t necessarily have anything to do with monetary value. Rather, it’s the symbolic thought behind the item--the thought and care that go into the gift-giving process.
How do I find out what my partner’s love language is?
Take the quiz and find out your primary and periphery love languages!
If you feel like the quiz isn’t entirely accurate or are curious about another person’s love languages, these questions may give you a better idea of how you or your loved ones want to give/receive love:
How does this person expression their affection for me? In an interview with the New York Times, Chapman said “What you give is often what you crave.” Noticing how other people express their love can help you understand how they’d appreciate receiving it.
In the reverse, how do I express my love for others? Asking this can make you more aware of your own love languages.
Practice your love languages on yourself!
Nourishing your relationship with yourself is an important part of loving as well! When looking for new ways to practice self-care, think about your own love languages and how you can show a little appreciation for yourself.
Practice affirmations in the mirror. While it might feel ridiculous, positive reinforcement from yourself can help disrupt negative thought patterns you might be struggling with.
Clean your room. Making your space one you enjoy being in can help reduce stress, increase productivity and boost self-esteem.
Go to the park and journal, listen to music, meditate, etc. Hanging out with yourself can be really healing. Take some time to sort out your thoughts, listen to the songs your friends are sick of, or recenter yourself.
Take a warm bath. There are ton of health benefits to taking baths! Some of them include increased blood flow, reduction in muscle and joint pain, cold and flu symptom relief, and reducing stress and anxiety levels.
Buy yourself flowers! Why the hell not? You deserve something nice.
Written By Lisa Kwan
