“Finding a therapist is like dating. Bleh.” SELFMADE CEO, Stephanie Lee, shares her journey with therapy
The funny thing about “going to therapy” is that oftentimes it’s someone else who first tells you to go. Or at least in my case, it was someones (plural) who said, “I think you should go to therapy” or, “have you thought about going to therapy”?
No. At that time, I had never thought about going to therapy. Even if I did, I certainly wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or to them. As a strong, independent Asian American, I didn’t see myself in depression commercials, or hear anyone in my community utter the words, “mental health.” We’re private people, and it is totally acceptable -- preferable even -- to suffer in silence. And that suffering is classified as “resilience” and “strength”, as long as you don’t complain about it. But here’s the thing about life: if it isn't gently guiding you with signs and whispers that something is amiss, it certainly smacks hits you like a ton of bricks until you’re so paralyzed and miserable that there is no other choice than to listen.
At 26, I tried therapy for a few months while I worked at the White House. Working for the First Lady meant there was a microscope on every move I made. The pressure was almost unbearable. At one point, my ex was so worried about me, he wrote me a letter telling me how much he loved me and begged me to try therapy.
Therapy, like everything else in life, is a choice. You have to choose to be there for yourself, and no one else can do the work for you. I chose a young Asian female therapist. Sorta because maybe she would “get me,” also because it was three blocks from my office, and it was in network for my health insurance. At that point in my journey, convenience was king.
Finding a therapist is like dating. Bleh. You have to see if the “chemistry” works. Ultimately, I had to feel like I could trust her. Do I see myself opening up to this person? I hadn’t opened up to anyone, so why would I open up with someone I was paying to sit there and listen to me vent? No surprise, it didn’t work out, but one thing I remember her saying was, “You think so much, you need to start feeling more.” A match was lit in the name of self-awareness.
Fast forward three years, I was free falling in depression and anxiety because of my avoidance of “feeling.” That ton of bricks hit me so hard, my life shattered and I was left paralyzed, I didn’t know what to do with the pieces that lay in front of me, so I turned to therapy. This time, I asked folks I trusted for recommendations. I did a total of three phone consults. Phone chats One and Two were fine. When I spoke to Neelam, number Three, I found a warm, comforting voice on the other end of the line. She was the only one to acknowledge my feeling of sadness and urgency right away. I felt seen and my feelings were validated. Like I wasn’t crazy to feel… crazy. I ended up on her couch the next week and stayed for the next three and a half years.
I had it easy compared to some of my friends. I had a specific “issue” and found a fantastic practitioner that didn’t require a ton of “dating” around. The more she validated my feelings and experiences, the more I learned to trust her and opened up. Our therapeutic relationship not only saved my life, it saved my quality of life. I learned to sit in my feelings rather than push them away. I learned about secure attachments, which prior to therapy I lacked causing mile high anxiety. With therapy I learned to create a community based on a feeling of security, trust and emotional boundaries. No journey to reckoning with our mental health is easy, but from my time with Neelam I became accountable to tapping my emotional resilience. I kept showing up to each session even though every enlightening revelation was accompanied by a painful realization. Lastly, I was able to finally feel emotional intimacy, a closeness with my therapist that became a healing experience across all my relationships from friendships, to familial, to romantic. These three psychological elements were building blocks to embracing my inherent worth.
My emotional wellbeing is always a work in progress, which means I practice these everyday. It is messy and totally imperfect. I also recognize my privilege of time, money, health insurance, and energy to devote to my emotional wellbeing. These are often obstacles creating inaccessibility to credible and worthwhile mental health practices. Boo. And this is also why SELFMADE exists. To translate the therapeutic lessons that exist within four walls of a farway therapists office, into a livable lifestyle of self-awareness and empowered self-exploration. How do you even know something is “wrong” to go to therapy, if you don’t know how to sit in it? Expanding our emotional vocabulary with our beauty products and taking baby steps with our digital tool, The CommonRoom, are vital to truly taking care of ourselves.
And if you want to go down the path with a trusted practitioner - hell yea! Ask for recommendations through your provider network, it is there for a reason. If that isn’t available to you, check out Open Path Collective for affordable care (my freelancer friends love this one!) and in honor of AAPI Month turn to Asian Mental Health Collective for my people out there!
This article was written in partnership with SELFMADE. SELFMADE creates beauty and self-care products developed with mental health experts.
Written by Stephanie Lee
