Unlearning Toxic Relationship Tropes in Your Favorite Romantic Comedies

Film & TV

Apr 9

It’s no longer a hot take to point out the subtle stench of patriarchy in most of the romantic comedies from the last 20 years. I think it’s fair to say that most of us know what we’re getting ourselves into when we sit down on the couch with a glass of wine and turn on another film that will fuel our most buried and unrealistic expectations of love.

Scrolling through the Netflix rom com category and turning on He’s Just Not That Into You (2009) could also be described as the moment where I put my inner feminist to sleep with earplugs so she won’t be able to engage with what I was watching.

Okay, so maybe I’m being a little dramatic. I mean what’s wrong with a little low stakes enjoyment? Why can’t I be a Black queer woman AND enjoy watching Kate Hudson fall in love with Matthew McConaughey with pretty much no justification in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)? There’s a simplicity and a comfort in watching a familiar Hollywood formula play itself out that honestly makes me feel safe.

But the moment that I let myself move past the temporary satisfaction of watching two white people fall in love on screen, I begin to ask myself: what has my investment in these plotlines taught me to value in my relationships?

As an overly-romantic teen girl watching romcom after romcom, it took me more than a few hard falls to realize that I couldn’t just confess my love to someone and expect them to sweep me off my feet. Every middle school boy became Prince Charming and every slightly awkward hallway conversation became a sign that my true love moment had come. The beginnings of my fantasies about love were based off of the aesthetics of Hollywood rather than tangible connections between two human beings. I had the script memorized by the age of 15.

Boy meets girl.

Boy can’t be with girl because of some problem that can eventually be solved.

Girl solves it or it solves itself.

Marriage!

I didn’t even need to waste time questioning if that was what I really wanted or needed when it could be that easy. The underlying message that I missed was who it was easy for, and let me assure you that person was never going to be me. I can’t help but wonder how much confusion I could have avoided if the films I had been watching didn’t sell me a pre-packaged version of romance that no person could aspire to reach.

Here’s what some of my early 2000’s favorites taught me…

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003) taught me that it’s okay to build a relationship based completely on lies, especially if the person I’m building it with looks like Matthew McConaughey.

17 Again taught me that we can’t blame hot white men for peaking in high school.

Bring It On taught me that even if you are really hot and career driven (Gwyneth Paltrow), you should still pursue guys who think they are cooler than you (Jesse Bradford).

By no means am I saying that every romantic comedy in existence is problematic, but I think it’s important that we start to consume consciously as people of color. We deserve simple joys just as much as anyone else, but we also deserve to take a break from content that makes us feel like the types of love we give aren’t the types of love that a mainstream audience wants. The idealistic Hollywood romance doesn’t often reflect back the experiences of anyone other than those that are white and heteronormative, and it is naive to think that it doesn’t take a toll on us to constantly consume those types of stories. Romcoms aren’t the most serious or intellectual genre, but looking back at the ways that consuming them affected my standards around love when I was younger tells me so much about the damage they can have. After I turn on a guilty pleasure romance I like to remind myself that there is no way that all the individual and complex forms of loving in the world could be captured onscreen and I can find relief in knowing that I can never nor should I ever try to fit my version of love into a container that wasn’t made for me.

So what I’ll leave you all with are some recommendations of films that left me with those same warm fuzzy feelings, but didn’t perpetuate things that I’ve had to actively unlearn as I pursue healthy and fulfilling relationships.

1. Watermelon Woman (1996)

Where to Watch: The Criterion Channel, Hulu

An essential piece of lesbian cinema directed, written and starring Cheryl Dunye. This film is hilarious, honest, autobiographical, and a true masterpiece. Most queer romantic films that I have encountered address the trauma of queer romance in a homophobic society, but this film will truly have you rolling on the floor laughing.

2. Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019)

Where to Watch: Hulu, Amazon, Youtube

This French feature film blew up because of the way that it subverts the male gaze and explores lesbian romance through the eyes of a female painter in 1770. The cinematography is gorgeous, the acting is superb, and the script is nuanced and emotional. One of my favorite films of all time!

3. Love Jones (1997)

Where to Watch: HBO Max, Amazon, Youtube

A classic Black romantic comedy filled with poetry, jazz, and iconic 90’s fashion. Starring swoon worthy co-stars, Nia Long and Lorenz Tate, there is something for everyone in this film and it truly encompasses the deep beauty of Black love.

4. Cane River (1982)

Where to Watch: The Criterion Channel, Amazon, Youtube

This movie has been deemed a lost treasure of independent cinema because it didn’t receive much mainstream buzz until it was re-released in 2018. It was written, produced and directed by Horace B. Jenkins in one of his only fictional works so it has a wonderful combination of sociological and historical conversation between the two main characters, Peter and Maria, and a building romantic connection that keeps you glued to the screen. Fun fact: the entire cast and crew that worked on the film were Black!

5. Before Sunrise (1995)

Where to Watch: Hulu, Amazon, Youtube

This film hasn’t left my brain since I first watched it because I haven’t quite seen anything that so honestly shows how two strangers can have unexplainable connections and what might happen if they were to pursue them. It follows the story of Jesse and Celine who meet on a train in Vienna, start a conversation, and end up spending the next 24 hours together before Jesse returns to the US.

6. The Favourite (2018)

Where to Watch: Amazon, Youtube

The director of this film, Yorgos Lanthimos, is known for how unconventional, smart, and highly-stylized his films can be. This film has a star-studded cast including Olivia Colman, Emma Stone, Rachel Weisz, and Nicholas Hoult who meet the riveting plot of this film with amazing performances. It follows the relationship between Queen Anne of England (Olivia Colman) and her lover Sarah Churchill (Rachel Weisz) and the power struggle when Abigail (Emma Stone) begins to threaten Sarah Churchill’s position. This movie shows yet another unique version of lesbian romance that can’t be stereotyped or diminished and is also just an extremely fun movie to watch.

Written by Mya Ison